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My Journey To Becoming a Thriving Stay at Home Mom

I was a University graduate with dreams and ambitions. The plan was simple; graduate, serve the fatherland, and get a job. But a job didn’t happen after the service year, so I got married, got pregnant, and my plans changed.

I started the search for a job before I got married, so after my wedding, it naturally continued. I was in a new city, far away from family and all that I was familiar with. While I was heavily pregnant, I continued the search. I even got a few invitations for interviews and tests but nothing came through (I guess it was silly of me to think anyone will employ a woman who is likely to pop a baby anytime soon).

But do you blame me? Staying at home sounded like a taboo at that time, I can’t even imagine it. Being heavily pregnant is not a reason enough for a woman to choose to stay at home; ‘what will people say?’ I thought as I continue in my frantic search for a job that will give me ‘value’ as a wife.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy; with 10 fingers and toes! Little did I know that pregnancy would be the easiest part of my motherhood journey. My son is special in many ways and including his health.

During this time, while I was spending sleepless nights in the hospital, someone asked my husband what I was ‘doing’ with my life because so so and so so people are already working and studying for further degrees. That incident was another blow to my already low self-esteem.

After staying at home with my baby for 11 months, I decided that it was time for me to join the ‘doing’ tribe.

I enrolled in a tailoring training institute and put my baby in a daycare, and that began an even more challenging health journey for my son. An exhausting journey that left me tired emotionally and physically.

In reality, I wasn’t thrilled about the tailoring thingy, but what mattered was; I was going out in the morning and returning home in the evening like a ‘responsible’ wife was expected of me by our society.

But I bore my stress and struggles in silence, after all, I was seen ‘doing’. I had left home in the morning, drop off my son and go off to learn sewing. The whole learning experience itself was frustrating because I was one week in school, and two or three weeks off because of my child’s health but I wasn’t strong enough to follow my heart and do what was right for myself and my family which was to leave! I remember how apologetic I was for ‘missing’ classes, how ashamed I felt when those who came after me went further in the curriculum, and I felt left behind; I felt like a failure.

Yet, I kept pushing. I was ashamed of coming back home to do ‘nothing’ because of what people will say. I was proudly ‘busy’ and psychologically suffering.

I had people telling me that I can’t stop my sewing classes simply because of a sick child, “he will be fine” they said, besides “that will mean you have to stay home again,” they sounded horrified, like staying home is something that shouldn’t even be considered. How foolish of me to listen to them.

I mean NOT ONE person suggested that being a SAHM is not a bad idea at all. That choosing my child and staying at home is VERY OKAY.

By the time I became pregnant with my second baby, I was done with sewing class. My heart yearned for peace but I believed that I can’t experience that without getting a job and making some money. That I can only be valued when I bring money to the ‘table’.

Even after I had my baby girl and started blogging in 2016, I was still searching for a job.

I finally reached the peak of my mental stress by mid-2017 when I became a depressed, tired and frustrated mother because I believed that my children were holding me back from realizing my dreams and living my ‘best’ life.

After my son was formally diagnosed with autism, a new journey to helping and supporting him began. My days were spent in tears as I imagined what my life could look like without all these challenges, Subhanallah (O my Lord forgive me).

I felt lost, invisible, invaluable, and empty. The world seemed to be moving but I felt stuck in one position; raising kids (ok I laughed when I typed this because I can’t even believe that was me).

So what changed? How did I become this woman talking to you today? How did I learn to accept what my Lord has decreed for me and connect it to my purpose of creation? How did I learn self-acceptance, overcome low self-esteem issues, and love my life, my position, and the roles I play even if no one sees or appreciates them?

It all started in Ramadan 2018, I was fed up with myself. I had become someone I can’t recognize. I cried to my Lord, I was tired but I prayed so hard. I didn’t want to be this ‘angry’ person anymore. I know that I can be better, and I can do better but I felt lost and alone in my struggles.

I eventually enrolled in therapy and started doing the inner work. It was not beautiful, sometimes I had to walk through ugly memories, I had to purge myself of all the unnecessary expectations that had been placed upon me by others and myself. I had to heal from the people-pleasing syndrome.

That journey led me to know my Lord more; then seeing myself through His mercy, I was able to love myself and embrace myself, and my roles. I was able to overcome a toxic mindset.

That journey led me to this place where I am today, living my best-introverted life, being a loving wife, raising my children, trusting my Lord to take care of my needs, + building new dreams in spite of the challenges, and I am loving it all! Alhamdulillah.

You can love your life too. You can do better and be better if only you will give yourself a chance to seek and trust in Him.

With love ❤